In the years I’ve conversed with people regarding relationships and marriage, I’ve detected similar motivations amongst them. Every one of us has at some point in time experienced this in our own respective associations. These typical triggers include emotional disposition such as: love, thrill, fondness and affinity; fright of being alone; having the roll or prestige of a partner (a sense of belonging); backing of exclusive requirements such as accommodation, monetary aid and psychological support.

These four motivations for starting a relationship are all legitimate and fair, and they all share something in common: they all start with a sense of deficiency in themselves. We lack happiness, we feel lonely or needy for attention and love, we are afraid to be ourselves and want to jump into the role of a boyfriend/girlfriend to be someone, and we just need to survive and want someone else to help us.

Once we begin dating, we begin to sense if the other person gives in and allows us to find what we lack. If so, we consider it to be a successful relationship and continue with it. As a result, if we do not receive what we are seeking from the other person, we resent, depress, exert more effort in getting it, victimize ourselves, or just leave, blaming them for the failure of the relationship.

We start our next ‘treasure hunt’ with someone else and eventually end up in a similar predicament. We ask ourselves: why does this cycle continue? Because, deep down, we have not addressed our own issues. We are trying to find a partner to fill the void, but they are not accountable for doing so. In order to relate to another person in a meaningful way, we must take responsibility for healing our shortcomings first. Only then can we establish relationships built on shared objectives and beliefs instead of remaining voids.

The mechanism which keeps us revolving around our deficiencies putting us through the same life experiences is Adult Emotional Dependency (AED). Not in the way we are used to think about it though. Adult Emotional Dependency (AED), as defined by Luca Bosurgi, is a healthy instinct which helps children get through their childhood, stay safe around their parents and learn from them, receive love, validation, acceptance and guidance and then become independent at the time of puberty. If the parents don’t give these important things to their child, he doesn’t learn how to love and lead himself and stay emotionally dependent on other people or circumstances (work, beauty, etc.) for receiving love, validation and leadership. This need creates self-deficiency which creates unfulfillment in relationships.

The way to break the chain of similar events and relationships is to move the source of love, validation and leadership from the external world to self: take responsibility for own life, take care of own needs and make your own happiness and fulfillment a priority. Because if we don’t care about ourselves, no one else will.

Author: Julia Lyubchenko